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<<run Config.passages.nobr = true;>>
<<set $distraction = 0>>
<<set $divergence = 0>>
<<set $exhaustion = 0>>
<<set $text = 0>>
<<set $recipeHidden = false>>
<<set $debugMode = false>>@@font-size:300%;<p style="text-align:center;font-family: 'Permanent Marker', cursive">How to Make</p>
<p style="text-align:center;font-family: 'Homemade Apple', cursive; line-height: 200%">Eggplant Lasagna</p>@@
@@font-size:x-large;<p style="text-align:right;font-family: 'Permanent Marker', cursive;">(With Cats!)</p>@@
<center>
[[Begin|Intro1]]<br>
[[About]]<br>
<<if $debugMode == true>> [[Debug]] <</if>></center>This game was made by E. Joyce and N. Cormier for the Recipe Jam, a one-week mini-jam for IF games that include a recipe.<br><br>
While the cats in this game are inspired by our actual cats, their level of interference in cooking doesn't reflect reality. Our cats are allowed on the counter only as long as they stay in the cat containment box we've placed there for the purpose. (Although they do think they're allowed to do whatever they want as long as they can do it without leaving the box, and attempts to explain to them that the box doesn't grant them diplomatic immunity from the consequences of their crimes have been fruitless.)<br><br>
The cat paw images in the cover art are courtesy of <a href="https://www.vecteezy.com/free-vector/cat-paw">Cat Paw Vectors by Vecteezy</a>.
We hope you enjoy the game!<br><br>
<<return>><<return>>All right, it's time to make some eggplant lasagna. Your partner is working late tonight, so you've promised to do the cooking even though it's an activity you usually do together. You're a pretty good cook, and this is a pretty straightforward recipe, so you're confident you can whip up the perfect lasagna to greet them with when they come home. After all, what could go wrong?<br><br>
You get out the cookbook and flip to the relevant page, then start reading the ingredients list:<br>
<ul>
<li>1 Tbsp olive oil</li>
<li>1 large egg</li>
<li>1 medium eggplant</li>
<li>14 oz ricotta cheese</li>
<li>6 oz grated mozzarella</li>
<li>½ c grated Parmes--</li>
</ul>
[[A cat sits on the recipe.|Intro2]]Unfortunately it's Boris. He's the bigger (and dumber) of your two cats, but despite having the body of a black fuzzy cinder block he also has the soul of a small Victorian orphan. You can't read the recipe around his bulk, but because he's a delicate baby, picking him up or using the squirt bottle on him would upset him greatly. Yes, it would make //your// life easier, but you're an absolute pushover when it comes to your cats. <br><br>
Boris makes eye contact with you and starts purring. <br><br>
<<link [[Oh well, you don't really need to see the whole list. It's lasagna, right? How hard can it be?|Intro3]]>><<set $divergence += 1>><<set $recipeHidden = true>><<set $text = 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Try to nudge him gently out of the way.|Intro3]]>><<set $recipeHidden = false>><<set $exhaustion += 1>><</link>><<if $text == 1>>
You get out the rest of the ingredients that you think you probably need for the lasagna. (Was there zucchini in this recipe or just eggplant? It is titled "Eggplant Lasagna," not "Eggplant and Zucchini Lasagna," but also you have a zucchini in your fridge and you can't remember what else it was supposed to be for... well, it can't hurt to put it in anyway, can it?)<br><br>
<<set $text = 0>>
<<else>>
You gently nudge Boris, hoping that will be enough to dislodge him. He instead stands up, rotates 180 degrees, and settles back down on the recipe.<br><br>
You nudge him again. He rotates back to his original position.<br><br>
After several rounds of this, he decides it's not worth trying to sleep here if you're going to be so annoying, and stalks off. With him out of the way you can finally read the full list of ingredients:<br><br>
<ul>
<li>1 Tbsp olive oil</li>
<li>1 large egg</li>
<li>1 medium eggplant</li>
<li>14 oz ricotta cheese</li>
<li>6 oz grated mozzarella</li>
<li>½ c grated Parmesan</li>
<li>¼ c fresh basil, roughly chopped</li>
<li>½ tsp garlic powder</li>
<li>2 ½ c jarred marinara sauce</li>
<li>8 oz lasagna noodles</li>
<li>Salt and pepper to taste</li>
</ul>
You quickly get everything out from the fridge and place the ingredients on the counter. <br><br>
<</if>>
What's next? Oh, right...<br><br>
<<if $recipeHidden == false>>
<ul><li>Preheat the oven to 450 degrees Fahrenheit (230 degrees Celsius).</li></ul>
<<else>>
You've got to preheat the oven. 450 degrees Fahrenheit, you think? Or was it 425? No, it was definitely 450. Right?<br><br>
<</if>>
You set the oven temperature. Almost immediately, your other cat, Natasha, jumps up on the stove. Natasha is a small tortoiseshell cat whose cute exterior hides the fact that she's seven pounds of criminal genius. Unfortunately for you, she's so impossibly adorable that you find it hard to ever be mad at her antics. Case in point: she loves a warm place to nap, and somehow she's learned that the gestures and sounds of you turning the oven on herald the transformation of the stovetop into just such a place. Unfortunately, 1) you're going to need that stovetop imminently and 2) even if you weren't, she's getting cat hair and paw prints all over it. <br><br>
Natasha sees you looking at her and mrrps.<br><br>
[[Shoo her away.|branchA1]]<br>
[[Leave her alone. You don't need the burners yet.|branchB1]]You scoop up Natasha and place her on the ground. She hops right back up on the stove. Having been left with no alternative, you grab your trusty squirt bottle and squirt her right in the face. She blinks at you indignantly and doesn't move.<br><br>
You sigh. Boris is terrified of the squirt bottle; you only have to show it to him and he'll be practically in the next zip code. Natasha, though, finds it no more than a minor irritant. Usually it does dissuade her, though... eventually. If you keep it up.<br><br>
You squirt her in the face three more times, and at last she gets up and leaps down from the stovetop. She instead settles in the corner of the kitchen and starts grooming herself indignantly. <br><br>
[[Okay, next step in the recipe.|branchA2]]You decide to leave Natasha alone for now. You are going to need those burners to make the pasta, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it. Getting Natasha to give up on anything that she's doing is an undertaking, and you need to conserve your energy.<br><br>
[[Okay, next step in the recipe.|branchB2]]<<if $recipeHidden == false>>
<<include "step1">>
<<else>>
What's next? You don't know, because Boris is still on the recipe. Probably slicing the eggplant, right? Or are you supposed to dice it? Slicing is less work so that's what you decide to do. <br><br>
<</if>>
You start slicing the eggplant, but you hear ominous noises from the living room. Clanking noises, like something metal is being batted around on a hardwood floor. It sounds like one of the cats (probably Natasha; it's usually Natasha) might be playing with something that is not a cat toy.<br><br>
Maybe you should go intervene? Whatever she's doing is probably not good for your security deposit. But losing focus when cooking isn't always a good idea either.<br><br>
<<link [[Deal with Natasha.|branchA3]]>><<set $text = 1>><<set $distraction += 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Stay here and cook.|branchA3]]>><<set $text = 2>><</link>><<include "step1">>
Natasha is happily napping on the stove, so for a moment you think you might be able to complete this step without cat interference. But then Boris decides he hasn't been paid enough attention and hops up on the counter with an almighty meep, dislodging the cutting board and sending the already-sliced eggplant flying all over your kitchen. You pick the slices up to inspect the damage and, yup, they're coated in cat hair. Gross! <br><br>
You still have half an unsliced eggplant, so you could just throw those slices out. But then, it //is// supposed to be the main ingredient of this recipe. You better decide quickly, because Boris is eyeing the remainder of the vegetable. <br><br>
<<set $recipeHidden = false>>
<<link [[Throw the slices out.|branchB3]]>><<set $divergence += 1>><<set $text = 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Rinse them off and use them.|branchB3]]>><<set $exhaustion += 1>><<set $text = 2>><</link>><<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
You drop the knife and rush out of the kitchen just in time to watch Natasha pounce on your car keys! While this means your apartment is safe, if left to her own devices she'll hide them somewhere that you won't find for months. Luckily, today she feels like showing off her kill rather than making you chase her, so she proceeds to drop the keys at your feet with a happy chirp. You snatch them up, then return to the kitchen and finish chopping your eggplant, with Natasha twining around your ankles. It's really so hard to stay mad at her! <br><br>
<<case 2>>
As nervous as the noises make you, trying to stop Natasha's mischief is a Sisyphean task, so you're better off finishing your current duties. You keep slicing the eggplant with one ear on the chaos in the living room, and by the time you reach the last piece the ominous jangling has stopped. Shortly afterwards she trots into the kitchen, looking angelic as ever. You guess whatever crimes she was committing weren't as interesting as interfering with the cooking.<br><br>
<</switch>>
With the eggplant finally sliced, you're able to salt and oil it without issue. Once you've gotten the slices into the oven, you turn back to the recipe and look at the next step: <br>
<<include "step2">>
<<if $recipeHidden == true>>Huh, Boris isn't on the recipe anymore. He must have heard Natasha having fun and gone to investigate. Like any good siblings, both of the cats get jealous if they think the other one has something they don't. <br><br><</if>>
You get your favorite pot out of the cupboard and begin to fill it with water. You look around for the salt and... it's nowhere to be found? Strange, you definitely got it out earlier. You have no idea what could have happened to it...<br><br>
Just kidding, with the way your evening has gone so far you definitely know what (or who) happened to it -- Boris must have done something with the salt while you were distracted by Natasha. The question is, where is it now? <br><br>
<<link [[Go ahead without it for now. You can salt everything later, right?|branchA4]]>><<set $divergence +=1>><<set $text = 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Search for the salt.|branchA4]]>><<set $distraction +=1>><<set $text = 2>><</link>><<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
You scoop the remaining eggplant slices off the floor and unceremoniously dump them in the garbage, then sigh and return to the cutting board. Boris, who is now sniffing the remainder of the eggplant, jumps away when you approach and positions himself near the edge of the counter. He looks sad and confused, probably because he knows you're mad at him but isn't quite smart enough to know why. (His life is so hard!) You quickly chop the rest of the eggplant before he can work up the nerve to approach again.<br><br>
<<case 2>>
Sighing, you pick the eggplant slices off the floor and bring them over to the sink. When you turn the water on, Boris starts slapping your hand with his paw--he's scared of running water, and somehow he thinks this is the way to ask you to make it stop. But at least his claws are sheathed, so you're (mostly) able to ignore him while you clean off the slices. After two or three are clean he slinks off to the edge of the counter and stares at you mournfully instead (how dare you torture him with the sink!), which also gives you a chance to slice the rest of the eggplant in relative peace. <br><br>
<</switch>>
With the eggplant finally sliced, you're able to salt and oil it without issue. Once you've gotten the slices into the oven, you turn back to the recipe and look at the next step: <br>
<<include "step2">>
Before you do that, you need to get Natasha off the stove. You grab your squirt bottle and get to work (it always takes multiple rounds with it for Natasha to decide it's not worth doing whatever she's doing), but once she's off, you realize that your largest burner is covered in cat hair.<br><br>
<<link [[Clean the burner off. |branchB4]]>><<set $exhaustion += 1>><<set $text = 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Use one of the smaller burners instead. |branchB4]]>><<set $text = 2>><</link>><<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
Somewhere, you can feel an Italian grandmother cry out in horror at the thought of not salting the pasta water. (You don't have any Italian grandmothers yourself, but you know they can sense your wrongdoing nonetheless. Though probably they were already distressed enough that you were making lasagna with cheese instead of béchamel sauce to begin with.) Even you have to admit that it's not ideal. But who knows what the cats will do if you take the time to search for your missing shaker? It's a hard choice, but you think it's the right one.<br><br>
<<case 2>>
You eventually find the salt shaker in a corner near the fridge. You also find Boris there, which isn't a coincidence because he's licking it. Eww, what an animal! At least he hasn't gotten it open or anything, so he only has access to the outside--meaning that if you take the lid off, it should still be sanitary to add the contents to your pasta water. <br><br>
<</switch>>
Once the pot comes to a boil, you slide the dry lasagna noodles into the water. You double-check the pasta box for the cooking time (twelve minutes) and then step back to enjoy a moment of peace. It really is just a moment, though, because a few seconds later the timer for the roasted eggplant goes off. Before you grab your oven mitts to get it, you quickly confirm your next step with the recipe:<br>
<<include "step3">>
Easy enough. You grab your oven mitts and begin to open the oven door... only to find Boris underfoot. You manage to avoid him, but now you're off balance! What do you do? <br><br>
<<link [[Give in and just go down.|branchA5]]>><<set $text = 1>><<set $exhaustion += 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Catch yourself on the counter.|branchA5]]>><<set $divergence += 1>><<set $text = 2>><</link>><<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
You wet a paper towel and get to work cleaning the burners. How does one tiny cat have so much hair? It's a mystery. By the time you're done you've collected enough hair to knit another cat with. But at least there are no more obstacles to getting a pot full of water on the stove, which you promptly do. <br><br>
<<case 2>>
You fill a pot with water, salt it, and put it on your second largest burner. It's going to take forever for the water to boil, but given the time it would have taken to clean up after Natasha the choice is probably a wash. <br><br>
<</switch>>
Once the pot comes to a boil, you slide the dry lasagna noodles into the water. You double-check the pasta box for the cooking time (twelve minutes) and then step back to enjoy a moment of peace. It really is just a moment, though, because a few seconds later the timer for the roasted eggplant goes off. Before you grab your oven mitts to get it, you quickly confirm your next step with the recipe:<br>
<<include "step3">>
Easy enough. You grab your oven mitts and begin to open the oven door... only for Natasha to get in your way. Oh my god, she's trying to get in the oven! Natasha, no! <br><br>
<<link [[Get the squirt bottle!|branchB5]]>><<set $exhaustion += 1>><<set $text = 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Lock her in the bathroom!|branchB5]]>><<set $distraction += 1>><<set $text = 2>><</link>><<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
You crash down to the floor in an undignified heap. You luckily miss landing on Boris or anything else besides the floor, but your kitchen has tile floors and they're not particularly comfortable to fall on. Thankfully, nothing's broken besides your pride. (You could almost be mad at Boris, except that he's such a baby you know that being tripped over might be even more traumatic for him than for you.)<br><br>
<<case 2>>
You flail around and manage to grab hold of the counter, preventing what could have been a nasty fall. Unfortunately in the process you knock the tub of ricotta off the counter, and it falls to the floor instead. The impact blows the lid off and the cheese spills out onto the floor. Ugh! You quickly clean up the mess (the last thing you need is cats getting into the ricotta) and then survey the damage. You're lucky that there's still some ricotta left, but it's not quite enough to make the decadent lasagna of your dreams. Oh well.
<br><br>
<</switch>>
You take a minute to compose yourself and then pull the eggplant out of the oven. (The extra time doesn't seem to have hurt it any--must be fate trying to make up for the day you're having.) You reset the oven temperature as per the recipe and then look at your next task: <br>
<<include "step4">>
You measure out the ingredients, dumping them in a mixing bowl. Unfortunately, Natasha wants your nice fresh basil (she enjoys anything that's in the mint family) and Boris wants the cheeses (he is not aware that cats don't have lactase persistence). All the ingredients come in resealable containers that you resealed as soon as you were done with them, but that doesn't necessarily mean the cats can't wreak havoc with them somehow; meanwhile, the mixing bowl is unprotected. The cats are executing a flanking maneuver, converging on you from both sides, and you have to think fast.<br><br>
<<link [[Whisk the mixing bowl away and finish this somewhere else.|branchA6]]>><<set $text = 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Leave the bowl where it is; focus on chasing off the cats.|branchA6]]>><<set $exhaustion += 1>><<set $text = 2>><</link>><<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
You grab the squirt bottle and, after some fumbling with your oven mitts, blast Natasha full in the face. She just looks annoyed, but another blast is enough to drive her away for now. Panting, you pull the eggplant out of the oven and then lower the temperature before she returns. <br><br>
<<case 2>>
You drop your oven mitts and grab Natasha by the scruff of her neck, then pick her up and march her out of the kitchen and into the bathroom. You drop her unceremoniously on the sink and then dash out and shut the door before she can escape. Of course Natasha isn't exactly happy about this, but it does mean you can pull the eggplant out of the oven without being bothered by anything but her angry meows. (Which, admittedly, are annoying enough that once the oven is shut again you let her back out.)<br><br>
<</switch>>
Okay, that just took a year off your life. You stop and catch your breath for a minute, and then check the recipe for the next step. <br>
<<include "step4">>
As you're measuring out the ingredients, you hear hissing and yowling from the living room--it sounds like Natasha and Boris have gotten into a fight over a toy or a choice napping spot, as they occasionally do. You tend to feel bad for Natasha in these circumstances, because she's much smaller than Boris (and you're not sure Boris knows this), but... you really //should// focus on the cooking.<br><br>
<<link [[Intervene on Natasha's behalf.|branchB6]]>><<set $text = 1>><<set $distraction += 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Ignore the cats. You can do that, right?|branchB6]]>><<set $text = 2>><</link>><<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
Sure, the cats could decide to knock the egg carton off the counter or something, but you feel the greatest danger here is to the mixing bowl full of cheese mixture. You whisk it out of reach of the cats and dash off to the dining table to finish mixing it. By the time the cats figure out where you've gone off to, you're done. Victory!
<br><br>
Well, you've won the battle, but not yet the war. You still have a number of steps to go before the lasagna is done.<br><br>
<<case 2>>
You can't just leave them to potentially scatter all these perfectly good ingredients across your kitchen--you have to fend them off completely. You grab the squirt bottle and turn to Boris, waving it at him. Your finger isn't even on the trigger, but he immediately makes a run for it.<br><br>
You feel pretty good about this until you realize that you've turned your back on Natasha. You turn around just in time to catch her about to stick her paw in the mixing bowl. A wordless shout of aggravation escapes you, and you open fire with the squirt bottle while grabbing at the mixing bowl with your free hand.<br><br>
For a second, you almost fumble the bowl, but thankfully you regain your grip. Eventually, Natasha gives up on getting at its contents and takes herself off to a corner to groom her rather damp fur. Meanwhile, as soon as the sounds of the squirt bottle stop, Boris comes back into the kitchen and twines around your ankles, seeking assurance that you've forgiven him for being Bad. (You hope he doesn't trip you again.)<br><br>
<</switch>>
Just as you finish prepping the filling, your timer for the lasagna noodles goes off. You quickly grab a colander and use it to drain the cooked pasta. It turns out this is good timing since the next step is: <br>
<<include "step5">>
You briefly turn your back on the ingredients while you find an appropriate pan for your lasagna. When you turn back around, you see Natasha trotting towards you. She's carrying her favorite catnip mouse in her mouth, which she then drops at your feet. This is a conundrum, because it means she wants you to play with her -- and you're about to start the most involved part of the recipe. You really should ignore her and get this done. On the other hand, if she's chasing after her mousie then she won't be stepping in your tomato sauce...<br><br>
Natasha sees you looking at her and mrrps hopefully. <br><br>
<<link [[Ignore your impossibly cute cat.|branchA7]]>><<set $text = 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Throw the mouse for her!|branchA7]]>><<set $distraction += 1>><<set $text = 2>><</link>><<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
You walk into the living room and see that, as you feared, Boris is sitting on Natasha, who is kicking him with all her might but can't actually wiggle out from under him.<br><br>
You say "Boris!" very sternly, and he gets up and slinks away. (He is the only cat you've ever met who responds to being spoken to sternly.) Natasha, sensing weakness, picks herself up and dives after him. You don't know what she expects to go differently this time, but at least for the moment she's fine.
<br><br>
Right, then, the lasagna. Where were you with that?<br><br>
<<case 2>>
You put on your headphones to try to drown out the yowling and finish measuring out your ingredients. You do feel a little bad, but Natasha usually //can// handle herself, in the end.<br><br>
The ricotta, shredded cheese, egg, and basil make a lovely, creamy mixture flecked with a fresh, springlike green. (Sometimes when you're feeling lazy or broke, you use dried basil for this, but you sprang for the good stuff this time.) You're getting a bit hungry.<br><br>
<</switch>>
Just as you finish prepping the filling, your timer for the lasagna noodles goes off. You quickly grab a colander and use it to drain the cooked pasta. It turns out this is good timing since the next step is: <br>
<<include "step5">>
You briefly turn your back on the ingredients while you find an appropriate pan for your lasagna. This is a mistake! When you turn back, you see Boris with his paws in the colander and a lasagna noodle in his mouth. You should have remembered that despite being an obligate carnivore, he's an absolute fiend for carbs!<br><br>
You yell at him and he runs away immediately, but now you have to do something about the be-catted noodles. <br><br>
<<link [[Sort through them and keep the good ones. |branchB7]]>><<set $text = 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Just toss the top layer out. |branchB7]]>><<set $divergence += 1>><<set $text = 2>><</link>>
/*since we have 16 total options on each branch right now (8 binary choices each) and we have 4 categories, I think there should be 4 chances to get points in each category on each branch. Current totals are:
A: exhaustion 4, distraction 4, divergence 4, perfect 4
B: exhaustion 4, distraction 4, divergence 4, perfect 4*/<<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
It takes every ounce of self-discipline you have, but you firmly ignore Natasha's request for playtime and instead start assembling the lasagna layers. She meeps a bit and paws at your ankles over this, but when you keep ignoring her she gives up and leaves instead of causing further trouble. (For you, anyway. She's probably going to go chew on Boris's ears again.)
<br><br>
<<case 2>>
The worst thing about your cats is that you're a huge softie, and they are well aware of this. No matter how bad she's been tonight, you cannot say no to Natasha when she wants playtime! So you pick up the mouse and throw it for her before you go to put marinara sauce in the bottom of the dish. Of course by the time you have the jar open she's back and wants you to throw it again. <br><br>
Because you can't say no to your bizarre fetch-playing cat, you end up putting the lasagna together a half-layer at a time in between rounds of mouse-tossing. Natasha doesn't lose interest in the game until you're at the last layer, either, because of course she doesn't. You hope you put in everything in the correct amounts and right order, but given the distractions you're honestly not sure.
<br><br>
<</switch>>
Now that you have your lasagna layers assembled and in the pan, you're almost done! Thank goodness. You check the next step:<br>
<<include "step6">>
Simple enough, right? You grab your bag of shredded mozzarella and then stop, because Boris is rubbing up against your legs again. Since Natasha was just begging for attention a minute ago he must be jealous, and when he's jealous he does one thing: beg for scritches. <br><br>
You //really// shouldn't give in, especially when you can scritch Boris to his heart's content once the lasagna is in the oven, but gosh! His eyes are so big. How can a cat look this sad?<br><br>
<<link [[Pet the poor little man!|branchA8]]>><<set $distraction += 1>><<set $text = 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Ignore him somehow.|branchA8]]>><<set $text = 2>><</link>><<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
You closely inspect the noodles. The top few are toast, obviously, but past those you can't see any evidence of cat damage--there's no tearing, teeth marks, or even cat hair. You remove a few extra noodles just to be sure, and then give everything a good rinse. Your lasagna is running well behind schedule now, but at least you've saved most of your pasta.
<br><br>
<<case 2>>
You have absolutely no idea how many noodles your fiend might have touched with his grubby little paws. As much as it hurts, you'll have to toss anything he could have reasonably gotten to. Since lasagna is large and the noodles were stuck together you're pretty sure that some of them are still ok, but you end up throwing about half of them in the trash.
<br><br>
<</switch>>
You hear a strange schlorking noise in the corner and see that Boris managed to take some lasagna noodle with him, and is now (badly) eating it. You briefly think of taking it away from him, but decide that maybe if he's occupied with his prize then he'll leave you alone. You instead take advantage of this opportunity to assemble the lasagna as instructed (occasionally spraying Natasha when she tries to "help"). With only one cat to deal with, it goes quickly.<br><br>
You're almost done with the lasagna! You check the next step:<br>
<<include "step6">>
Nice and simple. The cats can't possibly get in the w--<br><br>
Natasha grabs the bag of shredded mozzarella and tears out of the kitchen.<br><br>
<<link [[Get it back from her. |branchB8]]>><<set $distraction += 1>><<set $text = 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Screw it. You can skip this step, right?|branchB8]]>><<set $divergence += 1>><<set $text = 2>><</link>><<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
God, you're such a sucker. You lean down and start scritching Boris behind the ears. He starts purring, very loudly, almost the instant you make contact. His fur is so, so soft. He just seems so //happy// when you do this. You envy him a little.<br><br>
The thing about Boris, though, is that if he had his way, each petting session would last for hours. And if you pet him //too// briefly and then stop, he just gets more obnoxious about begging for your attention. So you have to be suitably thorough about this.<br><br>
Some number of minutes later (you've quite lost track), you decide that that's probably enough and you should get back to cooking. You were adding the mozzarella, right? Or did you already add the mozzarella? You squint at the casserole dish. Is that mozzarella on there, or...? Oh well, you can hedge your bets and add a little bit.<br>
<<case 2>>
You steel yourself to ignore Boris, though he doesn't make it easy. After a few minutes, he escalates from twining around your legs to mashing his head against your shin as hard as possible. When that doesn't work, he lets out a few small, pathetic meeps. It is the tiniest sound, as if he barely has the strength to go on without his nightly dose of scritches.<br><br>
You've heard that the sounds housecats make sometimes mimic the frequency of a human baby crying to tap into humans' parental instincts, and maybe this is one of those times, because some part of your hindbrain is telling you that you're an absolute monster for neglecting Boris this way. But intellectually, you're aware that Boris gets a ton of attention in an average day (from you, from your partner, and indeed from Natasha) and he will not die if you ignore him for another five minutes. So you finish sprinkling the mozzarella on (with some extra, because whatever the recipe writer thinks, 2 ounces is not enough to cover the entire top of the lasagna).<br>
<</switch>>
<<include "step7">>
All right, it's about to go in the oven. All you need to do now is cover it in foil and... wait. Where's the foil? Its spot on the shelf is conspicuously empty. Actually, now that you look at it, a bunch of other stuff is missing too. The cats must have been recreationally knocking things off shelves again.<br><br>
<<link [[Search for the foil.|branchA9]]>><<set $text = 1>><<set $exhaustion += 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Cook the lasagna uncovered, for a shorter amount of time.|branchA9]]>><<set $text = 2>><<set $divergence += 1>><</link>><<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
Natasha leads you on a merry chase through the rest of your apartment, but eventually you do catch up with her and grab the mozzarella bag back. She's not happy about you taking her delicious prize and you take a few swipes to the wrist in the process, but after all this effort you're not going to skimp on the cheese. You deserve it after the night you've had! After quickly checking your hand over for wounds (nothing major), you put the cheese on top of your lasagna and add a little extra for good measure. (Did the recipe writer really think 2 ounces was going to be enough?)<br>
<<include "step7">>
You cover the dish in foil and pop it in the oven. Phew!<br><br>
<<case 2>>
Right now, having a not-quite-cheesy-enough dinner feels like the least of your problems, so you take a look at the next step:
<<include "step7">>
Yeah, you might as well go ahead and put it in the oven. Maybe you can add the cheese once you take the foil off or something, you tell yourself.<br>
Once the lasagna is in, you manage to catch up with Natasha fairly quickly, and yank the bag back from her with only a little resistance--but ugh, it's gotten all slimy! This is too much for your patience to bear, so you throw it in the trash and move on.
<br><br>
<</switch>>
At last, your lasagna is in the oven. You feel like you've earned a break. Like, to go lie face-down on the couch for a while, maybe. But then, twenty minutes isn't really //that// long, and maybe it would be better to stay in the kitchen and keep half an eye on things.<br><br>
<<link [[Go lie down.|branchB9]]>><<set $text = 1>><<set $distraction += 1>><</link>><br>
<<link [[Stay here.|branchB9]]>><<set $text = 2>><</link>><<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
You shove the casserole dish in the microwave to keep it safe from cats and begin searching the area for your roll of foil. It appears to be nowhere in the kitchen. Did you run out and forget to put it on the shopping list? No, you just bought more two weeks ago, there's no way--<br><br>
Ah, there it is, just past the doorway to the living room, partially wedged behind a bookcase. Boy, that really travelled!<br><br>
You feel oddly triumphant bringing it back to the kitchen. (Is this how Natasha feels when she successfully snags your keys?) You retrieve the casserole dish, cover it, and pop it in the oven.<br><br>
<<case 2>>
The foil is supposed to keep your lasagna from becoming too dry, but surely if you reduce the cooking time it should still be fine. The cheese on top may not have the perfect consistency, but most of the ingredients in the lasagna have already been cooked, so it's not like you're going to give anyone food poisoning this way. It's fine, right? It's fine.<br><br>
With a deep weariness, you shove the lasagna into the oven.<br><br>
<</switch>>
[[Now all you have to do is wait...|branchAEnd]]<<switch $text>>
<<case 1>>
The siren song of the couch is too strong to resist. You set your timer and head into the living room. The cats follow you, and when you lie down on the couch, Boris curls up at your feet and Natasha perches on your legs. Aww! They //are// sweet little kitties, all in all. (Though this is going to make it harder to go get your lasagna.)<br><br>
<<case 2>>
You fish your phone out of your pocket and sit down at the table to do some crossword puzzles while the lasagna bakes. This way you won't have far to go when the timer goes off, and if the cats decide to get into any more kitchen-related mischief you can intervene.<br><br>
They don't seem inclined to do anything else at the moment, though. Boris keeps walking past your chair in the hope of scritches, and Natasha briefly hops up into your lap (though she never stays long). They //are// sweet kitties, all in all; there's a reason you put up with their constant nonsense.<br><br>
<</switch>>
[[Now all you have to do is wait...|branchBEnd]]<<if $divergence <= 2 && $distraction <= 2 && $exhaustion <= 2>>
<<include "perfectEnd">>
<<elseif $divergence > $distraction && $divergence > $exhaustion>>
<<include "divergenceEnd">>
<<elseif $distraction > $divergence && $distraction > $exhaustion>>
<<include "distractionEnd">>
<<elseif $exhaustion > $divergence && $exhaustion > $distraction>>
<<include "exhaustionEnd">>
<<elseif $exhaustion == $distraction>>
<<set _coinflip = random(1,2)>>
<<switch _coinflip>>
<<case 1>>
<<include "exhaustionEnd">>
<<case 2>>
<<include "distractionEnd">>
<</switch>>
<<elseif $exhaustion == $divergence>>
<<set _coinflip = random(1,2)>>
<<switch _coinflip>>
<<case 1>>
<<include "exhaustionEnd">>
<<case 2>>
<<include "divergenceEnd">>
<</switch>>
<<elseif $divergence == $distraction>>
<<set _coinflip = random(1,2)>>
<<switch _coinflip>>
<<case 1>>
<<include "divergenceEnd">>
<<case 2>>
<<include "distractionEnd">>
<</switch>>
<<else>>
A massive rip in the fabric of space and time appears in your kitchen, somehow simultaneously pitch-black and pulsing with uncanny light. You've messed up the lasagna so bad that the cosmos is unraveling! (This is a bug. If you're seeing this, something went wrong with the final score calculation.)
<<include "theEnd">>
<</if>><<if $divergence <= 2 && $distraction <= 2 && $exhaustion <= 2>>
<<include "perfectEnd">>
<<elseif $divergence > $distraction && $divergence > $exhaustion>>
<<include "divergenceEnd">>
<<elseif $distraction > $divergence && $distraction > $exhaustion>>
<<include "distractionEnd">>
<<elseif $exhaustion > $divergence && $exhaustion > $distraction>>
<<include "exhaustionEnd">>
<<elseif $exhaustion == $distraction>>
<<set _coinflip = random(1,2)>>
<<switch _coinflip>>
<<case 1>>
<<include "exhaustionEnd">>
<<case 2>>
<<include "distractionEnd">>
<</switch>>
<<elseif $exhaustion == $divergence>>
<<set _coinflip = random(1,2)>>
<<switch _coinflip>>
<<case 1>>
<<include "exhaustionEnd">>
<<case 2>>
<<include "divergenceEnd">>
<</switch>>
<<elseif $divergence == $distraction>>
<<set _coinflip = random(1,2)>>
<<switch _coinflip>>
<<case 1>>
<<include "divergenceEnd">>
<<case 2>>
<<include "distractionEnd">>
<</switch>>
<<else>>
A massive rip in the fabric of space and time appears in your kitchen, somehow simultaneously pitch-black and pulsing with uncanny light. You've messed up the lasagna so bad that the cosmos is unraveling! (This is a bug. If you're seeing this, something went wrong with the final score calculation.)
<<include "theEnd">>
<</if>>You take your casserole dish out of the oven. Wait a minute, this isn't a lasagna at all! Somehow, with all the guessing and substitutions and whatnot, you've made a ratatouille instead.<br><br>
This is disappointing, because you had specifically promised yourself (and your partner) lasagna, but on the other hand, at least the cats don't seem too interested in your ratatouille. Maybe you'll be able to eat your dinner in peace for once.
<<include "theEnd">>Fifty minutes later, you smell something burning in the kitchen. Wait, did you set a timer? You did, didn't you? Or, no, you were busy dealing with Natasha, and then... you forgot. Oh dear.<br><br>
Your reminiscences are interrupted by the smoke alarm going off. You run into the kitchen to find that flames are coming from your oven! Fortunately, you do own a fire extinguisher, and so you've got the situation under control by the time the fire department shows up (how embarrassing that they came out here for this!). The lasagna's a lost cause, though--not to mention the casserole dish.
<<include "theEnd">>You take the lasagna out of the oven and place it on top of the stove to cool. You're so tired. Surely you can sit down on the couch for a few minutes while it's cooling, right? Just a little rest...<br><br>
Half an hour later, you wake with a start from your impromptu couch nap. Oh no, the lasagna! You've left it unattended all this time! You sprint into the kitchen. There you find an empty casserole dish. Boris and Natasha are standing over it, licking their chops. With resignation, you start heating up some water for instant ramen.<br><br>
You keep a close eye on the cats for the rest of the evening in case eating all that lasagna has made them sick, but they seem perfectly fine. Quite content, in fact. Almost smug. Great--now you'll never convince them lasagna isn't an acceptable food for cats! Every time you make lasagna, from now unto eternity, they'll come swooping in immediately, as if they'd heard you opening a cat food can.
<<include "theEnd">>You take the lasagna out of the oven. It is, against all odds, perfect. The cheese on top is beautifully crispy (but not too crispy). The proportions are precisely correct. The texture of the eggplant is amazing. You will never make a lasagna this good again. (Especially not if Boris and Natasha have anything to say about it.) But your partner will be happy, and boy do you have a story to tell them...
<<include "theEnd">><ul><li>Slice the eggplant into ½-inch-thick rounds. Salt them and coat them in olive oil. Roast until golden brown, 15-20 minutes.</li></ul><ul><li>Cook lasagna noodles according to package instructions.</li></ul><ul><li>Remove the eggplant from the oven and reduce oven temperature to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C).</li></ul><ul><li>In a large bowl, combine the ricotta, parmesan, egg, garlic powder, salt, pepper, and 1 cup mozzarella. Fold in basil.</li></ul><ul><li> Spread ½ cup marinara on the bottom of a 9x13” baking dish. Place a layer of noodles, then eggplant, then marinara, then ⅓ ricotta mixture. Repeat twice.</li></ul><ul><li>Top with remaining mozzarella.</li></ul><ul><li>Cover tightly with foil and bake for 20 minutes. Remove foil and bake uncovered for another 15-20 minutes, until the top is golden brown.</li></ul><br><br>
THE END<br><br>
<<link "Make another lasagna?">><<run Engine.restart()>><</link>>